Flipping the Iceberg · Free Worksheet

Map Your Own Iceberg

By Charisse Walker

Start by getting to know yourself, then make room to understand your partner. Set aside 15–20 minutes to explore one moment with curiosity. This is a starting point for reflection and conversation, not a test with right answers.

Write on a printed copy or type below and print to keep your answers. Answers are not sent anywhere or saved when you leave this page.

1. Notice what is above the surface

Think of one recent, everyday moment of tension. What happened, and what did you say or do? Describe what someone could have observed without guessing anyone’s intentions.

When ___ happened, I said or did ___.

2. Name what you felt underneath

What feelings were present beneath your reaction? What mattered to you in that moment?

I felt ___ because ___ mattered to me.

3. Explore the belief or expectation

What did you tell yourself the moment meant? Was there an expectation you had not shared? Separate what you know from what you assumed.

I assumed ___. What I actually know is ___.

4. Look for a familiar pattern

Where else have you noticed this response? Consider what you learned about handling conflict, asking for help, or expressing feelings. You can leave anything private unexplored.

A familiar pattern I notice is ___.

5. Choose one intentional step

What could you do differently next time? Name one action you can take and one clear, respectful request you could make.

Next time I will ___. I can ask for ___.

6. Get to know your partner more deeply

If you both feel comfortable, choose a calm time to share one insight. Ask: “What was that moment like for you?” Listen, then check your understanding before responding.

What I learned about my partner: ___. One next step we agree on: ___.

Remember: Understanding your own patterns does not mean taking responsibility for someone else’s behavior. Share only what feels safe. This worksheet is educational and is not a substitute for professional therapy or medical advice.